You know those days?

Those days where you question whether or not it was a good idea for you to dedicate your life to your kids? Yeah, today was one of those days. So many things on my to-do list and stopping constantly to break up fights, pour juices, and tie shoes wasn't on my list. I just wanted to get some stuff accomplished so I could cross off the ever present list in my head. I yelled entirely too much, I threatened things I knew I wouldn't do because it would only further impede my progress, and I hugged WAY too little.

So tonight, I sat down and gave myself a good talking to. They are only little kids, they aren't doing things just to annoy me. (Ok, so sometimes they are doing that but still.....) I need to chill out! So I did some things that would make our morning less stressful and I put this day away and I promised myself I'd start tomorrow fresh.

I invest so much in my life at home that sometimes I forget to take a step back and look at what we've created. Kind of goes back to the whole thankfulness thing. I am so thankful for what we have. I also have to live this day to day life of full time Mommy, part time student, and whatever else falls into my lap. I'm not great about giving myself a break. I don't let the kids watch tv all day because although that's easier for me, it's not good for them. I don't leave my kids with others too often because they are my kids and I want to be with them. I volunteer at both schools because I think it's important to be involved in my kids education. I'm trying to get A's in both of my classes because I spent so much time screwing up in my early 20's that I have time to make up for. I cook dinner 6/7 nights. And I do all of this because it's what I want to do and days like today, I have to take a step back and remember WHY I do this. I do this because those 3 little people count on me to keep my cool. They count on me to be there and be supportive. So I'm not perfect but I WILL make tomorrow a better day and the hugs/kisses will outweigh the yelling!

Waiting..........

I've been reading Jennifer's tweets all day and waiting for word of Stellan's surgery. It was a success!!!! I actually cried and I don't even know these people, crazy!

So Day 2 of posting for me and here I am :) I spent much of today actually listening to myself and making conscious choices of the words I used with the kids. I celebrated their little victories with them and used kind discipline when it was necessary. Definitely a good start. Today, I was the Mom that I hope to be daily. I was kind and loving but firm when necessary without being frustrated or yelling. Now I know that not every day will be met with this patience but I'd like to ratio to be much more of these days versus the other.

I also watched my words with DH as well. I can't really elaborate as to why he's in a rough place but he is and I'm trying to be supportive and nurturing instead of annoyed and inpatient. And I'm doing this for myself, because this is the person I want to be so it's actually incredibly rewarding to go to bed at night without regret.

One other thing I'm trying to focus on is my weight as well. I take part in a large "event" that is scheduled for late next summer and I need to lose at least forty pounds by then. So today I worked out for about 35 min. I'm working on a pledge to do 40 min/5 times a week. I also drank some water in lieu of my favorite caffeinated cola.

I finally feel like I'm coming out of my "funk". All of these little changes that I'm making are reminding me of who I am and who I want to be. I often feel like people don't really get me. They don't understand why I want to be better. Most think because the house is fairly clean and the kids are fairly well behaved that I should be happy. Don't get me wrong, I am happy but I want more. I always seem to want more.

Patience

Patience is something I struggle with. I struggle with it in parenting, in my marriage, and in my relationships with others. This weekend, I had the joy of spending time with only one of my kids while the other 2 took a road trip with Daddy. And I realized that my patience in parenting needs to be revisited :) (Such a nice way to say that I needed to quit the yelling and remember that my little ones are just that, little) I took the time to actually stop and smell the roses this weekend. We had an awesome trip to the Zoo with another Mom and her 2 girls. And when the rest of my family walked through the door tonight, I was full of patience. We had a little scare with my niece on Friday and it made me stop and think. My niece is the same age as N and they are BFF's, I couldn't imagine something happening to her. I know we all take for granted our healthy and happy children but as I drove by The Ronald McDonald house near our local children's hospital, I thought about the families who have to make their home there. I very purposefully don't read many stories about sick kids because I can't dwell on the what if's. We have a son who has an increased risk of melanoma due to a congential birth condition and every 4 months he is seen by one of the best pediatric dermatologists in the country. I don't sleep for days before that appt. thinking about the what if's. But sometimes...... like this weekend, my mind is thrown into a situation where do think about it.

I'm the first to admit, I take this life for granted. I have 3 amazing little boys, an awesome husband, a great family, and amazing friends. I thank God daily for this life but I don't always remember to show those who are so important to me that they are. I think most of us are guilty of forgetting to do that. And for a few days, we make it a point and then life gets busy again and we quit making it a priority again. I don't necessarily think this ebb and flow is bad, I think it's realistic. But for the next few days, I'll certainly be making it a priority :)

Someone told me the other day that I looked sad. And funny enough, that made me sad to hear. I'm not always sunshiny, I have my off days, but for the most part, I do love this life. Being a Mom to many little ones is tough. Having a husband who is gone for days on end so that he can provide for our family is tough. Taking 2 classes each semester for what feels like forever is tough. But it did make me realize that I need to stop and actually enjoy this time. My kids won't ever be 2,4, and 6 again. DH and I won't be married 8, almost 9, years again. So many things can wait. I've had to start putting my laptop away during the day because I spend entirely too much time just playing around on it. Time that could be so much spent doing the very things that stress me out. So for now, that's my 1st step in reclaiming the happiness that I've always had. I've noticed myself being in a "funk" for a while now but I coudn't pinpoint the cause. I spend a lot of time analyzing choices I've made, either for myself, for my marriage, or for the kids. I often think and rethink things until my head hurts. That part of me won't change. I started this blog so I could talk freely and I've begun to realize that right now, I need this blog so that I have some sort of outlet. There's a blogging contest sort of thing to blog every day in Nov. Well it's the 8th so I'm starting late but I'm going to try and blog every day until the end of Nov. It's worth a shot!

Inspiration...

For years I've read blogs of so many different people. I've even started my own once or twice only to stop due to lack of time, interest, content, etc. However, this time is different... I've been reading http://www.mycharmingkids.net/ blog for a while now and just a short time ago her son, Stellan, was critical and needed prayer. Although I have been known to pray for the safety of my kids, family, etc. I don't typically find myself praying for others. After I read MckMama's post about her family being called to be by Stellan's side, I hit my knees in deep prayer for Stellan. And God provided. . So, this blog is my journey into balancing this crazy life while raising three great little kids. N is 6, J is 4, and E is 2.